“Good morning, my esteemed colleagues. Thank you for attending our first equality and diversity summit. It is my humble pleasure to chair this meeting, which is a great distinction for our organisation. We pride ourselves on making diversity and inclusion a key pillar in our organisation’s culture.
As you all know, our organisation aims to be a world leader. To do that, we recognise that we need to celebrate our diversity and lean into it. Ideas and innovations can be accelerated through the differences between our people, stakeholders, and end users.” Charlie was the CEO and Founder of Grim Industries. He’d consistently worn a hooded black cloak that billowed nicely in the wind and would often carry a large scythe. The scythe was entirely for practical purposes. He led a company that practised a wide array of nefarious activities, and whilst violence wasn’t always necessary, the threat of violence was usually an advantage in most of his meetings.
Once, he’d been travelling to Earth on a business trip, and someone spotted him and mockingly referred to him as the Grim Reaper. It appeared this was some mythical being that humans had invented to avoid thinking about death and what happens after death. Charlie liked the name and decided to use it as his own personal branding. Now, although his name was Charlie, people often just called him Grim.
“We mustn’t allow biases to creep into the way we think and make decisions”, he continued.
Selma, The Crusher of Dreams, raised her hand. She was the head of the department for unconventional torture. Grim thought about ignoring her and carrying on with his speech, but others had already noticed, and he felt it would undermine what he was saying if he ignored her. “Yes, Selma?” he asked, hoping she’d pick up on his curt tone.
“Is attendance at this meeting mandatory? My department has recently made a breakthrough in using marketing emails with non-functioning unsubscribe buttons. We are currently carrying out detailed testing, and I could really use the time back.”
“Yes, Selma, all department heads are required to attend this. I even have some Ogres from my personal office in attendance. However, since you brought it up, let’s use your project as a good example.”
Selma visibly sighed. No one enjoyed mandatory training seminars. Grim knew this, but he was responsible for ensuring he did his part in treating people equally. “Those emails that are being sent, who are they targeting? What’s the biggest success rate you get?” Selma took a moment to think about this; she was trying to figure out which answer would mean Grim focused on her for the least time. Ultimately, she settled on the truth, “we’re finding that those from the superhero community are most susceptible.”
“Can you think why that might be discriminatory?” he asked.
Selma really disliked superheroes, and her plans had frequently been foiled by members of that community. She actually took pleasure in their being particularly vulnerable to this mild torture. “……they aren’t blessed with the same brain capacity as most people?”
“Exactly. We’re exploiting them when really we should be trying to make them feel like they are part of our society. How would you like it if you were persecuted because of something you couldn’t control?”
Everyone in the room shifted uncomfortably. Derek, The Blood Bathed, raised his hand. He was the head of the Department for Disfigurement and Amputation. He spoke before Grim asked him to, “Sir, this is all a little strange. We are the purveyors of evil. We,” and he looked around the room “, maim, hurt, kill, torture, sow unrest in society. Surely, discrimination is just another form of evil. If anything, we should have a department promoting it.” There were some nods around the room. Grim had expected this argument and was prepared for it. “Maybe you’re right. Why shouldn’t we just accept all types of evil? Why not target specific groups when we feel like it? Why should we not just laugh and call ogres grunts instead of listening to what they have to say? Whilst we’re at it, why don’t we just ask robots to solve all of our mathematical problems as well? Aren’t Ogres stupid after all? Robots are just giant calculators anyway? Perhaps whilst we’re at it, we should start to sow the seeds for another obesity epidemic?”
The attendees were now shifting in their seats uncomfortably. No one could forget that Grim Industries had been responsible for an obesity crisis only a few short decades ago. The department head for Nutritional Evil, a position generally considered a joke, had tried to be ambitious. So instead of just forcing supermarkets to sell sprouts that looked like sweets or fiddling with the sell-by date on fresh food, he had gone on a marketing campaign to promote a chain of highly sugary desserts. This resulted in levels of obesity that were so detrimental to society that the guild of governments had to ban television for two years to force people to go outside. You’d think this would be a roaring success for Grim industries, except you couldn’t carry out nefarious schemes if no one left their houses. That sugary dessert manufacturer had made a roaring trade for a few years, but the only thing Grim Industries had gained was reputational damage.
Derek, The Blood Bathed, answered a little less confidently this time, “Sir, are you saying that these equality and diversity protocols are aimed at making us more profitable?” Grim fixed him with the gaze he’d typically use before decapitating someone with his scythe. “That might be an ultimate consequence, or it might not. I’d like to remind everyone in this room that we are an Evil company, not an immoral one. Our diversity protocols have led to an enrichment of ideas. Remember, even ten years ago, our torture was mainly in-person physical, our pyramid schemes were largely person-to-person, and even our technology innovation departments were mostly only interested in Destructoid weapons. Most of our contracts were with planetary governments. We couldn’t even see that there was a much bigger market for personal and intimate evil right here in front of us. We needed to harness the ideas of Ogres, Villains, Ghouls, Robots and even superheroes before we could open up such a market.”
Perhaps emboldened by Grims’s speech, Klyznops, a robot and the head of the competitive sabotage department, spoke up in his metallic-sounding prerecorded vocabulary. “Profit then,” he said, and the other attendees all laughed.
This was not how Grim wanted this to go. He stroked the handle of his scythe delicately. This was usually for intimidation purposes, but in truth, his department heads had reputations nearly as fearsome as his own. A mere scythe was nothing to them. He just wished they could take a critical look around the room and notice the vast changes he had made in his appointed department heads as a point of principle. They were diverse people from across the planet, and he felt that his company had benefited from it. Perhaps if he asked one of the ogres to contribute, “Patricia, could you please stand up.” Patricia was the head of Business Development for Grim Industries. Being an Ogre, she was also the head of his security, but in truth, she’d offered to do this second job only so that he could justify her extortionate salary. Like most Ogres, she was highly intellectual and academically quite accomplished. Patricia stood up, tusks swivelling carelessly and looked around the room. “I am paid twice as much as all of you,” she said, then sat down.
Grim wished he could smack his forehead with the palm of his hand. This was going terribly. The room instantly turned a shade more hostile. A din of mutters and whispered insults could be heard. Patricia stood up again. “Would anyone like to challenge the fact that I’m more important to this business than anyone in this room?” She folded her arms and looked around expectantly. Grim didn’t fail to notice that he was included in her question, but just like everyone else in the room, he was terrified of the Ogre. He decided to cut his losses before this turned into any more of a farce. “You see!” he cried. “Diversity is the key to our successful business!” With that, he turned around in a flourish, throwing his cloak behind him dramatically and twirling his scythe expertly before confidently marching out of the auditorium. He wondered how he could convince his minions that Equality and Diversity were important; perhaps, in the end, he’d have to just resort to his usual persuasion tactic: Evil.
