After further questioning of Grim and several more episodes of Big Celebrity Brothers Trapped on Islands, I managed to extract all the bank details I needed to make a significant extortion claim. Unfortunately, Grim was a bumbling wreck by the end of it, so I dumped him somewhere discreet whilst I went to steal his money.
“Good Morning, Sir, and welcome to the National Bank of Extortion and Bribery. The most honest Bank on Planet Schnitzel.”
Just like Planet Earth, Planet Schnitzel had also gone through a banking crisis. Unlike Earth, however, instead of bailing out the banks using large sums of money gathered from taxes and putting other important public services at risk, we instead decided to burn down every banking institution responsible. This left a wide gap in the market and this is where such reputable institutions like the National Bank of Extortion and Bribery came into their own. The bank prided itself on its honesty, which all of its customers valued highly.
“How may I help you today?” The bank clerk was a young woman wearing a prim suit. The prim suit wasn’t really visible because she was also wearing two coats of Kevlar and an armoured helmet, but there was a sign hung up on the wall reassuring customers that all staff were wearing suits. “I’m interested in carrying out an extortion transaction. Can you please tell me what my options are?”
She immediately began to recite in a practised monologue, “We offer the best extortion service. You have two options. If you bring the person you want to extort to our bank, for a small fee, we will engage in brutally beating them to a pulp until they produce all of their money. Please note that this service can’t be used if that person holds an account at our bank. The second option is that you bring a suitable form of ID from the intended target, and we can then access their account as needed.”
I listened to her attentively and produced a small plastic bag with a cut-off finger preserved in vinegar. “Thank you, sir”, she said as she took the finger that I’d got from Grim. This sounds gruesome, but in reality, Grim was prepared for such an occurrence and had previously had surgery to make his finger detachable. As soon as I began sawing one of his other fingers, he immediately popped off his detachable one and pouted silently.
She used the fingerprint scanner to locate his bank details. “Sir, the account you wish to extort has seventy million gold bars deposited. Would you like the full amount?” She looked up to find my mouth hanging open. “Y…y..yes please” I stammered.
She clicked a few buttons and then asked, “Do you intend to carry them out of the bank or would you like to open an account at the National Bank of Extortion and Bribery for a small fee?” There was no way that I would be able to carry out seventy million gold bars. “I’d like to open an account, please.” She clicked a few more buttons, “the fee for today, sir, is 35 million gold bars. Is that acceptable to you?”
“That’s EXTOR….” I began to shout….then….I realised where I was. “Oh.” The clerk waited patiently, and from the corner of my eyes, I could see two ogres begin to make their way towards our booth. “Well, ok,” I answered. “I really have no other options.”
“I know, sir,” She clicked a few more buttons. “There you are, sir, you are now a multi-billionaire, we hope to see you again in the future.”
I stepped out of the bank and began to laugh manically, “Ahahahaahahahuuuuu.”
“Shhhhh” One of the ogre guards had approached me. “Sir, the laughing shelter is over there, please. We don’t allow for maniacal laughter at the entrance, it puts off the other customers” He pointed to a small shelter away from the entrance where several other newly minted aspiring extortionists were comparing laugh techniques.
“Oh, sorry about that.” I began to automatically walk towards the laughing shelter until something in my memory started flickering. I turned around. “We’ve met before, haven’t we?” I asked the Ogre. “You abducted me, remember? When you were working for Grim?”
The Ogre tapped one of his tusks thoughtfully. “You’re the rude fella, aren’t you?” I couldn’t quite tell if he was frowning or if his face was neutral. Ogres’ faces were mostly covered by two large tusks on either side of their mouths. Listening to an ogre talk in their native language was quite amazing as they produced wonderful melodies by banging their tusks together instead of words. Earth picked up on this and converted it into an instrument called the “triangle.” Seriously, those Earthlings have no originality.
“So you’re working in the bank now?” I was never good at small talk. I never understood why we had to engage in a ridiculous set of questions with obvious answers before we could talk about something meaningful. On planet Schnitzel, there was a full 300-page manual on small talk and all its intricacies. It covers everything from the dos and don’ts of asking about the weather right down to how not to offend an ogre through small talk. If I had taken the time to read this book, I would definitely not have asked the next question. “Wow, your tusks are shiny. Do you polish them?” It turns out Ogres are highly sensitive about having polished tusks. In Ogre culture, having shiny tusks meant that you didn’t use them very often, which in turn meant that you had been spending too much time hanging around with humans and were therefore a bit of a traitor. The Ogre’s face changed from what I thought was questionable patience to definite annoyance. You could always tell when an Ogre was annoyed because their tusks began to swivel on the tusk joint to point at the person annoying them. This Ogre’s tusks were quite definitely pointing at my face now. “Excuse me?” He said, quite threateningly. I’m ashamed to say that after my last experience with an Ogre, I nearly fainted in fear, which, as I discovered with Grim, was my singular superpower. The Ogre emitted a throaty, clanking, short chuckle. My face went from fear to surprise. “Why aren’t you doubled over laughing?”
“I’m a warrior Ogre”, he said, seemingly amused. “I’m trained from birth to deal with humans with superpowers.” Well, this was interesting. “Although I’d hardly call your frightened face of fear a superpower”, I wasn’t sure, but I think his clanking tone was mocking me.
An idea was beginning to blossom. After dealing with Grim, I was sure that his insurance policy would be sending along some accomplished spandex-clad, over-sponsored superhero to provide me with some well-deserved punishment. I was even looking forward to it, really. Everyone knows that Arch Villains get foiled by superheroes sometimes. The publicity alone would be good for me. However, with a specially trained Ogre, I might be able to not only get that publicity but maybe also put one over one of those perfectly polished, gloatingly golden, sickeningly sweet superheroes.
I don’t like superheroes.
Did I mention my mother was a superhero? When she decided to retire early to marry my father, the Official Guild of Superheroes decided that she was choosing evil over good and therefore stole her pension contributions, took away all her superhero discount cards and cancelled her superpower license. As everyone knows, people with powerful superpowers are required to obtain a superpower license in order to use their superpowers safely. Without it, it’s illegal to use your powers in public. If I were to reflect deeply, this would probably be one of the main reasons why I’ve decided to become an evil super villain. This kind of uncalled-for stigma was not akin to a healthy society.
With these thoughts in mind, I began to negotiate. “Are you, per chance, looking for other employment? An, umm…Ogre of your talents is surely being wasted working at a bank.”
“What are you offering?” He clanked, straight to the point.
“Well, as you know, I’ve been trying to establish myself as a kingly arch villain. Well, I’m pretty sure that Grim, you know, from Grim Industries, well, he’s pretty angry with me right now.” I pushed my chest out slightly as I said the next bit, allowing some pride to filter through, “I had him kidnapped, and I’ve just robbed him of thirty five million gold bars. I have a suspicion he’s going to contract some higher-grade superheroes to do something unpleasant to me.” I needn’t have continued. The Ogre’s eyes shot up when he heard the number of gold bars now in my possession. There was a piercing, nails-on-a-chalkboard sound that made me wince into a crouch. It seemed the Ogre had expressed some sort of anger with his tusks. He growled and bashed his tusks as he spoke, “That miserable miserly maniac! thirty five Million Gold bars! The number of times I saved his life…unbelievable.” He lifted one of his muscled, scarred arms, at which point I flinched like a child, until he put it around my shoulders. “My friend”, he clanked, “For five million gold bars I’ll give you loyal service for 1 year.”
I didn’t really know what the going rate was to hire Ogre protection.
“If you come back tomorrow, the price goes up to 10 million.” My jaw dropped “But that’s extortionate”, I whimpered, to which he just pointed above him at the name of the bank. I sighed visibly. “Jeremy, by the way,” he stuck his grizzly hand out for me to shake. “You won’t regret this. A few rules. Number one: If you call me a grunt, you’ll spend the rest of your short, miserable life grunting in pain. Number two: I don’t get involved in people’s personal lives. Number three: I take twenty five working days as paid holiday per year. Now, I believe there was some talk of superhero preventative action. Oh, this is going to be fun. Working for Grim, we never had to do anything more laborious than beat up the odd pathetic upstart, sorry about that by the way, and chase away tax collectors.” The Ogre sounded eager, and although I think I overpaid, I was excited!
Which is why, as soon as I’d paid him, I was surprised that he ran off cranking and grunting in good spirits without even the barest mention of how he was going to protect me.
