“So Grim.” I began, using my carefully cultivated booming baritone in what I thought was a good representation of majestic and dictatorial. “It seems our roles have been reversed. It seems it is YOU that is under my mercy now”, I tried to carry this off as if it was normal for me to abduct the CEO of one of the largest Evil conglomerates in the world. I’d managed to keep him subdued whilst I brought him back to my own lair and restrained him on one of my comfortable sofas.
Grim eyed me haphazardly. He made a point of looking around my living room and being unimpressed. I was disappointed to see that he wasn’t nearly as afraid as I was in that dental surgery; at most he seemed mildly annoyed as if he was regularly abducted and I’d just made him late for a meeting.
“Your billowing cloak is quite to my liking” I said, hoping to provoke him.
He sneered, “you think I only have one billowing cloak?”
“What? How many do you have? The one I stole…er…commandeered from you is lavish!”
“Fool! You think those of us who work in the heroism industry are as decrepitly ragtag as you? I’ll have you know that my annual salary is in the top 5 percentile of Planet Schnitzel! Plus, every time the grim-reaper appears in any form of earthling media, I’m paid royalties. I’m filthy rich you buffoon…Why are you looking at me like that?”
My eyes had indeed bulged and my face had formed what can only be described as an inquisitive flabbergast. “If you’re so rich,” I began, tentatively, “why was there no elaborate security when leaving your dental practice?”
Grim frowned “I normally have world-class Ogre security.” Ah, I thought, I’d met these Ogres, I unconsciously began rubbing my jaw where the bruise they’d administered was still visible. Grim continued, “they…erm…didnt enjoy a reference I used to describe them, and so they decided to go on strike” he was talkative for an evil magnate. “This is the problem with hiring the top talent. If you want them to be able to think for themselves and show initiative, you have to also deal with the fallout when they have differences of opinion with you.” He looked a bit sheepish.
“Sensitive pair, aren’t they?” I remarked. “It seems that for the time being, then, you are at my mercy” I grinned, “and as you have so eloquently informed me that you are filthy rich, I think it’s only reasonable I extort as much money from you as possible.”
“Really? Money? That’s all you want? You don’t want to trap me in a snake pit and film it? Or throw me in a rainforest full of hungry cannibals? Or put me in a shark tank?” He’d made some interesting suggestions, but the truth was, without money, I wouldn’t be able to do any of those things.
“Sorry, buddy, but those things are expensive and I’ve only just started off my career.” He snorted. “Pathetic, modern-day entrepreneurs really are pathetic. You’d think that before announcing yourself as some sort of celebrity, you’d put together some capital. How do you propose to torture my hidden gold locations out of me without the necessary equipment? I’m a senior member of a world-famous association. Does your lair have ISO4321 fortress status? Because you can bet that my Kidnap Insurance policy covers me! Very soon, someone from the Association of Super Expensive Super Heroes will be here to rescue me.”
I was confused, “Super heroes? I thought you were evil. Why would superheroes want to save you?”
Grim looked at me like I’d just told him the sky was purple. “You’re being serious, aren’t you? Superheroes are only “good” for as long as it’s profitable. No one works for free and you can’t choose your customers.” I rubbed my head a little bit. There were so many moving factors here. This career had the steepest learning curve. Grim continued, he was almost beaming now, “I suspect Superfluous Man will likely handle this personally. He’s always been careful to look after our business relationship.” Superfluous Man was the poster child of superheroes everywhere, a real slimy operator.
His disdain hurt me more than I care to say. But what he hadn’t counted on was that my home was indeed ISO4321 approved. What no one really knew was that my parents were a strange couple. My father had been a notorious organised crime boss, and my mother was a member of an old superhero squadron. They revoked her license when she married my father, and he had promised to give up his nefarious ways. But a legacy of his time before marriage was that he made sure all his children certified their houses properly.
By this point, Grim, despite being restrained, was looking rather smug. “You’d save yourself a lot of hassle if you just let me go now. I mean, I’d still ask my representatives to give you a beating, and I’m still intent on an amputation, but we can draw a line after that.”
My lounge was a standard front room. A few sofas, a large flat screen television and a bookshelf. My dream was that I could conceal several secret passageways behind the bookshelf in the future, perhaps adding an underground dungeon or something. It would be lovely if I could push a button to reveal a hidden room behind the bookshelf where I could inflict all manner of torturous activities, but as it was, there was only one avenue available to me. “This will hurt Mr Grim”, I said as I picked up the TV remote.
Grim chuckled to himself, thinking that I was all bravado. I decided that the brutal approach was necessary. “Grim, did you by any chance notice the large satellite dish placed atop my building? What do you think it’s for? Some people have wondered whether this device was actually a large destructor ray linked to an orbiting satellite.” At this, he raised an eyebrow. “It’s not. It’s actually just a television satellite system that’s able to access Earth Channels.”
Another eyebrow was raised. “Grim, are you familiar with the term Reality TV? No? Well, let me explain. On Earth, the concept of Reality TV was developed to brainwash the masses whilst their governments went about and did whatever they liked. It’s like hypnosis on a global scale. Ingenious, really.”
Grim frowned, “But what is it?” At this, I clicked a button. The television switched on, and a show called “Big Celebrity Brothers Trapped on Islands” began playing. “I’m going to leave you to enjoy yourself, and I’ll be back in an hour.
Half an hour was all it took. I returned to find Grim unconscious in his restraints, tongue lolling out, drool dripping onto his shirt. I switched off the television before any lasting damage could happen from extended exposure.
Grim began to stir. He opened his eyes and, seeing me, immediately began pleading, “Please stop. I can feel my intelligence bleeding out of my brain just thinking about this. What kind of merciless horror would do such a thing? Arghhhhhhhh….”
“Where is your gold, Grim?” I used a quite solid voice. I was a little proud.
His face debated whether he should resist. I started playing with the remote control. He cracked immediately. “My gold is in the same place that all notable professionals hide their wealth. The National Bank of Extortion and Bribery.”
I blinked comically several times. “I should know this shouldn’t, I?”
Grim tried to sneer, but the horror of what he’d seen held him back.
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