Captain Fghjkl stared around the room at the attendees of his war council. There were four other senior members of the invasion committee. The high council of the Intergalactic Star Collectors had been presented with data that there was a small plot in the Milky Way galaxy that hosted a plethora of life forms with a bipedal dominant species that had yet to venture into the dark voids of the universe. They had deemed this to be a great acquisition as a possible bread basket for this sector of the universe and had then voted that he, the esteemed Captain Fghjkl, would lead this brief but hopefully profitable invasion. Today’s meeting was to share the results of numerous intelligence-gathering missions, and as such, he had given the floor to his chief of intelligence, a wiry squid-like creature with seven tentacles and a stub. Apparently, he’d once been caught by an opposing enemy, and they dismembered one of his arms. Fghjkl briefly wondered about the challenge the man would have in finding clothes or a tailor experienced enough to deal with his peculiarities. Nevertheless, he was attired suitably and was speaking plainly.
“Esteemed colleagues,” he began his report. Fghjkl liked to see a formal tone in his meetings. Whilst they were not strictly a military outfit due to the insignificance of the mission, he nevertheless encouraged military behaviour as a form of maintaining standards. “As you know, our ship was sent on as an advanced scouting party ahead of the main….fleet”, Ho ho, thought Fghjkl; it seemed the squid harboured some disdain for the use he was being put to. “We have been stationed on the local moon for one month now. This in itself was a form of intelligence as it seems the humans, as they call themselves, have not developed the technology to detect a hostile presence such as ourselves only a short distance away. You will forgive my forwardness, Captain” he nodded his head at Fghjkl, arrogantly assuming that he would be instantly forgiven despite any transgression, “I limited the use of our anti-detection system. I predicted that the risk was minimal and was curious to see if the Humans had the technology that would alert them.”
There were several snorts from around the room. The group was universally disdainful of this mission; not only had they been assigned what they all considered a simple task, but they also had to suffer the insult of not being primary commanders of such a pathetic endeavour. After all, there was no real honour in conquering a defenceless planet such as this. Even Fghjkl was slightly surprised when the ruling council appointed such a high-profile team to complete this mission. He’d assumed it was either a sign of the importance of the planet as an asset or that he’d fallen very far from grace. “We have spent the last month sending out members of our espionage team with a view to learning as much about these people as possible.” At this, he clicked a button on a remote that had been sitting on the table in front of him, and a screen appeared with a waiting slideshow. Fghjkl sighed quietly. He had been waiting for 50 Guerlain star cycles for slide shows to become obsolete. They seemed to be gaining even more momentum if anything.
“My esteemed galactic adventuring colleagues, as is usual in our intelligence reports, we have divided our analysis into three sections. These are Military Capability, Leadership and key assets. The key assets of this strange country were identified long before we arrived. The High Council correctly observed that this climate was able to produce food and sustenance at a reasonable rate. I will, therefore, start with military capability.” With this, he clicked a button, and the screen began playing a video showing many of the humans, largely dressed in green, holding what appeared to be long sticks that would issue a flash as they were triggered. There appeared to be all manner of advancements to this concept, and the video showed rapid-fire weaponry as well as what appeared to be rudimentary flying vehicles that appeared to fire rockets. As the video continued, it became quite apparent that humans really loved killing each other. The video ended with one final stationery image of a set of encapsulated ovals. “Our intelligence indicates that these are the most potent weapons the humans have access to.” The squid looked around the room, challenging anyone to question why these harmless-looking containers were dangerous. “They are nuclear in nature, and the humans have only used them a handful of times in their history.” The room went into a more ominous silence. Perhaps this was why the High Council had sent such an overqualified force. Nuclear weapons were known throughout the galaxy and were nothing to laugh at.
Fghjkl spoke up now, “thank you Intelligence Chief. Perhaps the High Council were right to appoint such experienced fellows on this expedition. What can you tell us of thier leadership.”
The squid frowned and clicked another button. The next slide was full of images of humans standing in front of crowds, addressing them in strange regalia, sometimes dressed, other times half-dressed. The squid clicked another button, and this time, the images were of humans standing in green fields surrounded by huge crowds that appeared to be roaring their approval. He clicked again, and this time, the images were of humans who appeared to be holding back crowds from assaulting other humans who were dressed in what seemed like elaborate clothing where hordes of photographers were capturing their portraits. “Our intelligence has led us to believe that humans will follow and idolize certain members of their society without any real reason. We believe that this might be similar to the Charlinian custom of hereditary nobility. This is not uncommon, but when we tried to travel the lineages of some of these leaders, they led us into anonymity. There is a code amongst humans that we have been unable to crack; how and why they select their leadership remains a mystery to us. We observed humans that would stand on a stage, and thousands of their fellows would scream and shout as they delivered a musical address. We witnessed humans who would address their followers through the format of digital media, and their adherents would crowd around them at any opportunity. Finally, and perhaps least confusingly, humans who were able to accomplish acts of physical skill were also appointed leaders.”
“I see,” said Fghjkl. This was unusual, to say the least. Most planets tended to follow a form of the same societal norms. Typically, someone would gather an army and demonstrate success in battle until they could exert control over those they hadn’t fought. These humans seemed to have disconnected their military activities from their leadership. “Are you sure we aren’t missing anything? Perhaps this is merely a front, and their leadership remains hidden?”
The squid scowled at this or did whatever the approximation of a scowl was for a squid. “The only other vaguely relevant group was this.” He clicked another button, and this time, the image showed a half-empty meeting chamber with a handful of humans who were dressed formally and sitting down to discuss things somberly. There were no crowds, and it seemed more akin to a funeral than a gathering of leaders. “These gatherings were referred to with different names by the humans. Some called them Parley-ments, others called them cow and sulls. Our technicians are working on adequate meanings behind these gatherings, but we have dismissed them as irrelevant for the time being.”
Fghjkl thought carefully. The intelligence was too disconnected, and this invasion was proving more complicated than any of them had expected. He was hoping that things could be taken care of in a day or two. Perhaps a more direct approach to gathering intelligence was needed. “My colleagues, our intelligence chief has raised some sobering points. The presence of nuclear weapons and this disconnected leadership has complicated our plans. I have decided that our intelligence is incomplete.” The squid scowled again at this. “Chief,” Fghjkl turned to the squid, “please, can you select one of the human leaders for us to abduct.”
Chief Squid narrowed his eyes. Fghjkl continued “I suggest we select someone who spans both the popularity metrics and the physical abilities scale. Is there one such as this?”
“There is one such as this”, he paused, his tentacles scratching multiple parts of his head as he thought. “He is physically larger than many of the other humans, but it appears that anatomically, he is leanly sculpted, and there are numerous videos of him battling other physical beasts such as himself. He also participates in the digital media space, and there is digital evidence of him battling many people at the same time and emerging victorious. He is also frequently assaulted by crowds of humans whenever he emerges into the public sphere, all screaming at him in adoration.”
“Excellent” said Fghjkl, “bring him to us and we can question him at our leisure.”
“As you command, Captain”, the squid did well to hide his disdain.
Fghjkl dismissed the other chiefs and remained sitting in his chair, flicking through the intelligence pack of their abduction target. He was often pictured shirtless, and there were many videos of him performing heroic acts of aggression in what seemed like futile circumstances. What a peculiar people.
To be continued ..
